How they do it in Japan
At this time of year everyone is full of good cheer and the familiar seasons greetings cards are out of the deck. However the fun of the festive season has been overtaken by a spear-wielding spill or two in politics.
But while everyone is caught up in the make up of Tony Abbott’s front bench it’s important that we do not find ourselves steering away from the real issues of the day.
One that has been corroding away at our social fabric, yet treated like the elephant in the room needs a spit and polish return to the front pages.
It’s not the CETS (Clayton’s Emission Trading Scheme), it’s not the cost of tertiary education, nor is it about talking up closing the gap, and has little in common with people on boats seeking a new life – it’s deeper than that.
It’s something as common as genitals and as widely seen as a tan in Tahiti – in case you were looking for the beast with the trunk I will give it up – it’s the lack of protocol when greeting a friend or acquaintance of the opposite sex.
After a weekend away with some mates and respective family, my eyes have been drawn open as to the fact there is no common way of doing the actions that go with “G’day, great to see you?”. It was made even more apparent when I accidentally head butted a girl while attempting to kiss her cheek at a mothers group gathering for our kids.
When in Europe it was clear that a kiss on each cheek was the done thing, with the noted exception of the Dutch who went mmwa mmwa mmwa. This is an obsessive worst nightmare as they will want to even it out with a fourth and get a slap for their kinky behaviour.
But in Australia there is no accepted right way to do the business. I have seen four varieties and would like to actually come up with a protocol.
1. The Uneasy- someone leans in before cutting back while the other leans in creating an awkward moment. Usually ends in a hand shake and a red-faced smile.
2. The Easy Goes – as common as Vegemite toast at breaky, it’s a smooth distant cuddle and kiss on one cheek.
3. The how you doin’ – a big cuddle as chest meets chest/breast, followed by a kiss on the cheek of choice.
4. Let’s get physical – As rare as ducks toes, this one involves an extended embrace and a kiss that requires a tilted head in either direction and you know what comes next.
Well the last one may well be a fragment of my Scorpio imagination, but I hope you get the point. There is no one way we could say we do it.
And picking up who does what is a real skill. I’m an Easy Goes it kind of a bloke. Which can be a bit weird when you come up against The Uneasy. But if you were a How you doin and you greet a Easy Goes it, it turns into an Uneasy.
Like Climate Chaos or whatever it’s called, we need an appropriate response. I suggest we come up with a colour coded system which can be indicated by wrist bands so we can turn Uneasy’s into How you Doin’s.
Are you with me on this or am I going all Malcolm Turnbull on myself?
Image courtesy of Okinawa Soba
